When you’re born with ears the likes of which have never been seen on one of such tender years before, you can guarantee you’re going to come up against some old, trusted classics on the banter bus.
Every argument with our skids (translation for non Mancunians – my siblings) would invariably end in a dig at the jug handles on the side of my head.
FA Cup, Prince Charles, Ba Baa the Elephant!
Gigantic sized ears were an easy target for the rotten little cretins when they were faced with an older brother with electric lips that had an answer for absolutely everything.
It done my box in, but thankfully over time my head eventually caught up with my wing nuts (please see photographic evidence below) and it brought their jokes to a screaming halt – for the record middle brother remains a gimp and little brother was still ginger at the last time of checking!
How I’d swap those mahoosive, sticky out, jug ears for the moobs I’ve grown since quitting smoking now!
Why I’ve always failed at quitting smoking
Some of the main reasons / excuses to carry on smoking over the years have consisted of:
- A distinct fear of requiring emergency services to airlift my fat ass out of my gaff after a munchathon of gargantuan proportions.
- Not wanting to be any bigger a gob-shite than I was naturally blessed with at birth.
- The sheer will to stay off the murder most wanted list.
The above may seem like fairly trivial reasons to carry on sucking on the cancer stick for some, however any recovering nicotine addict will tell you… actually, it’s probably best I don’t tell you what any recovering nicotine addict will tell you, it could severely hurt your feelings and potentially ruin your life.
The moob struggle is real
Usually when a money blogger tells you they’ve piled on the pounds it’s something to be celebrated with great jubilation, alas no, not this time my friend’s.
I banished my scales to the outer regions of the bathroom the other day, and that’s exactly where that bitch will stay until it apologises.
I feel like I’ve developed moobs who have selfishly gone on to give birth to a whole litter of their own moob offspring without any consultation period or prior consideration for my feelings at all.
Popping on a vest the other day whilst we were having a tropical weather spurt in Manchester was a major fashion faux pas, unfortunately the old side boob made an appearance in all its wondrous glory – in short I’m suffering with multiple-moobage-issues.
Being hungry has made me hangry, with Kit Kats being my only true source of comfort.
The light jogging regime I embarked on a few weeks back didn’t very last long.
I think I had some valid excuse about the grass on the field being too long or the street being too pavementy for my liking at the time.
However, on a serious note, if I want to avert any weight related, airlifting nightmares I know I’m going to have to do some form of free as possible exercise to halt the chub – ASAP!
Get on the vape mate
Previous cocky attempts at quitting smoking have led me into a Charlie Big Spuds attitude of..
I’ll go cold turkey, I’m not weak!
As you can probably imagine, that has always, and will always, be a monumental crock of shizzle!
The minute you put that addictive waste of money in your mouth you change the chemical balance in your brain forever and you need to replace it in the early stages.
I’ve spent £50 – £60 on vapes before and they’ve either broken within a few days or it’s felt like I’m carrying a Vauxhall Corsa around in my pocket.
The SMOK® Brit One Mega Kit I’m using this time is less than half the price and is a little belter.
No leakage, no extreme weightlifting, no bother!
I’m no longer tempted to stand outside in the rain puffing on a cig, vaping from the comfort of my own couch is much more appealing these days .
Unsurprisingly for a Breaking Bad fan, my vape liquid of choice is Heisenberg from Vampire Vapes.
Just do it
If an angry little horror bag like me can do it, you can too I promise!
For once I can say with all honesty I’m not missing it, someone stood next to me the other day after blasting a ciggie and the smell knocked me sick!
I’m kind of embarrassed that I smelt like that now, it’s grim.
Give it a try at the very least, just be aware that you are most certainly going to gain a few pounds on your waist, as well as your pocket!
Ever tried it? How did quitting smoking go for you?
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