After spending many years trapped back behind a desk in an office, getting accustomed to dealing with the general public has probably been my biggest task to date as a cafe owner.
As many OCD anxiety sufferers will tell you, when you’re feeling a bit anxious it’s easy to let your mouth run away with itself before your brain has chance to change gear and engage the appropriate filter system to prevent the words from leaving your lips.
I myself tend to pick at every little thing, I can’t help it – really I can’t, the filter is long gone.
If not picking, you can usually find me trying to make some sort of joke out of it to prevent me from going off on one.
So, as you will see from the list below, the general public have tested those limits somewhat over these last six months, and it’s safer to write them down here than go full throttle waffle in the middle of a busy cafe.
10 annoying cafe owner questions
How long does an instant coffee take?
OK, so let’s take a moment to examine the evidence that lies within the name of this particular product.
The first clue I was drawn to was the word instant.
You can see where I’m going with this right?
I was before him, why has he got his food first?
The answer to this one was simple and admittedly my mouth was long gone with this one before I had chance to consider what was coming out of it.
You see under further inspection of the product instructions, it became apparent that there was no need to cook a can of coke and a Malteser bar, hence the speed in which this customer received their goods.
Is it OK if I just stand in here and charge my phone?
Listen, if you have an emergency i.e. a kid needing to contact their parent or vice versa, I’m not a cold-hearted bar steward so go for it.
When it’s so you can charge your phone so you don’t have to walk without music (true story) the answer is most certainly going to be a resounding no.
You see that electric costs me money, however, the minute it should ever become free to the consumer please feel free to charge whatever the hell you like.
I don’t want to buy anything, but is it OK to use your toilet?
This one might seem a bit mean to some, but as with above I’m not a complete twunk I promise.
Elderly people, small children, pregnant women – come on down!
But, the fact of the mater remains, every time you wipe your bits, flush that toilet, use the hand wash or dry your hands, it’s costing me money.
So unfortunately, buying things from within the cafe is how I go about paying for them all and I need you to put your hands in your pocket to do so.
Does the vegetable curry have any meat in it?
Luckily I managed to gag myself with a double palm face on this particular beauty.
Believe it or not, the vegetable curry does not contain any meat whatsoever.
Please refer back to point one for clue seeking.
Why are these tables and chairs just for your customers?
I’ll tell you why, because we bought them for our customers out of our own back pockets.
Hard to believe as it may be, we didn’t buy them for customers of McDonalds to come along and sit there advertising someone else’s business directly outside my shop.
Will you buy me a business?
OK, the three hour pitch this guy gave me didn’t go quite like that but you’ll catch my drift if you allow me to elaborate.
I was offered the business opportunity of a lifetime.
All I had to do was buy a gentleman I’d never met or seen before a pizza oven, his own fridges and freezers, provide him with two cooking staff and a driver to deliver, allow him to not pay any rent or bills and he would kindly give me half of his takings once he had started to make over £1,000 per week.
No outlay from his own pocket at all.
Yeah, loads mate!
Is the food on the children’s menu served in children sized portions?
No, I created their own menu only to make it exactly the same as the adult offering for nothing other than shits and giggles at your expense.
Do Nandos know you’re selling Piri Piri chicken?
Contrary to popular belief Nandos didn’t invent Piri Piri chicken, nor do they hold any sort of exclusive rights over it.
Yes, they have successfully marketed the be-Jaysus out of it, but that’s where their claim to fame ends.
Nandos are not going to be filing a law suit against me for selling my own version in the cafe – plus, there is nothing cheeky about mine.
Is it too late to change my mind?
If you’ve ordered it, paid for it, watched me prepare, cook and plate it then serve it to your table, it is most definitely too late to change your mind.
I wanted to ask this lady if she would have swapped dinner for the family at such short notice after spending precious time preparing and cooking it – thankfully I refrained.
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