I’m offering you the chance to own your very own snoring bar-steward.
What’s more, this particular deal for a snoring bar-steward is not just thrifty, it’s completely free.
The snoring bar-steward is house trained to a competent standard, requires feeding no more than three times per day and is in good working order, however it should be kept out of the reach of children as it can get a bit narky if provoked.
- Daily 14 hour sleeping capability.
- Boom-Bar surround sound system.
- Sound effects including, but not limited to – Jet engine, T-Rex, zombie apocalypse, mating wildebeest.
- 0.00473 second snooze function.
- Anti poke, shake and slap resistance.
After a few years you will give great consideration to the following:
- Bad karma – Making a list of the people you ever wronged throughout your life, complete with a plan of action of how you are going to make it right again to reestablish balance in the Force . You will spend countless hours pondering how on Earth you could have ever been such a twunk of epic proportions in life to deserve this sort of torture in the first place.
- Forcibly reducing noise pollution – Cello-taping their face shut, plugging every possible orifice their snoring little mush has to offer. Suffocation dangers will not be high on your priority list.
- Frantic medical demands – Trips to A&E demanding a doctor places you in a medically induced coma so you may be afforded the luxury of forty winks, will be commonplace.
- Joining a Buddhist retreat – The thought of living within a silent community will never sound more appealing after enduring the snoring shit storm for so long.
- Murder – You will often wake from a trance like state holding a pillow, hovering just that little bit too close to their head for the law to be completely comfortable with.
It can deliver itself, there is a no return policy, and all enquiries are welcome.
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