I love Manchester and I love Mancunians, yet although I was freed from being subjected to the drivel known as Coronation Street when my old flatmate moved out, it still irks me that it is in some way supposed to represent life in Manchester.
Bearing this in mind, I have put together a quick guide for those who live outside of our glorious borders to give you an indication of where they are going wrong.
1. It’s not in Manchester
Yes, contrary to popular belief, Weatherfield is a town in Salford (pronounced Sol-fud), and is a city in it’s own right.
Salford makes up part of Greater Manchester, which was formed when Manchester became too incredible to be just a city alone, spread its boundaries and took half of Lancashire in its grasp too.
2. Dodgy accents
99% of the residents sound like a mixture of Lancashire and Yorkshire accents, despite them living their whole lives in Salford.
You will never spot a single ‘Eeeeeaar, safe, there’s our kid’ on the cobbles
3. Unemployment? What unemployment?
Coronation Street is the only part of Greater Manchester where it is possible to move and find a job paying a decent living wage within spitting distance of your front door the very next day.
A thriving hub of nicker makers, builders, hospitality establishments and hairdressers, you will have no problems finding a job without the need to leave the confines of your own postcode.
4. Flaming ‘ell
The only time any Mancunian uses the word flaming is when they’re taking the piss out of Coronation Street.
5. Supernatural stock control powers
You will never frequent an establishment on Coronation Street and ever be confronted with the words “sorry, I’m afraid we have ran out of that”.
Shops, cafés and pubs are fully stocked at all times and there isn’t anything you could possibly need that cannot be found on your doorstep.
Neither Dev, Rita, Roy, nor Norris have ever ran out of a single item since throwing their doors open to the public – a rather incredible achievement I’m sure you’ll agree.
6. No big shop required
Ever since Curly Watts and Reg Holdsworth left the cobbles and Freshco disappeared into the ether there hasn’t been a single big shop in sight.
Anything you or your family could possibly ever need can be bought from the bits and bobs sold in mini market and newsagents, despite your specific dietary requirements.
What you can’t find in these two super well stocked hotspots can be purchased in Roy’s Rolls, The Rovers, Nick’s Bistro or the take-aways.
What’s more, it’s cost effective to do so.
7. Survival rate
Despite the limited choice of food, you’re able to live past 30 on a diet consisting of fatty crap, bits and bobs from the mini market and boiled sweets.
All residents of Weatherfield are immune to obesity, diabetes and coronary heart disease.
Not a single person is sick of the sight of hotpot, even after having it for lunch each and every day since the moment they were able to consume solids.
Furthermore, despite the insatiable craving for hotpot The Rovers never runs out, regardless of footfall levels throughout the day.
Please refer back to point 5 to familiarise yourself with the incredible stock control powers possessed in Weatherfield.
The Metrolink tram can be seen arriving promptly everyday, there is never a leaf on the line causing travel mayhem, it’s not even affected by a few snowflakes.
But most importantly, nobody has ever driven their car onto the tracks in Wythenshawe causing day long delays throughout the entire network.
None of the residents notice, of course, as they never leave the street – which also explains why only a tiny portion of the residents own, or have ever owned a car.
10. Partners are plentiful
No need for Tinder here, you are able to find as many partners needed until you have found the right one to settle down properly with.
Forget about having to trawl the Manchester club scene, just pop across the road and there’s someone waiting for you to make your move.
Whether you are gay, straight, lesbian, bi or transgender, there is someone for everyone just outside your own front door.
11. Local loyalty
Despite the fact The Rovers makes zero effort to offer any form of entertainment, it is still a major draw for Weatherfield locals.
Nobody cares about watching the football, fancies a game of pool or requires any form of live musical entertainment.
Everyone is happy to pay three times more than they could sat at home, The Rovers is exciting enough to pull in the punters on its own, whats more everyone can afford to eat and drink in there daily.
12. Dodgy deals
No, there’s not so much as a single Amazon Firestick knocking about on the famous cobbles.
TV just doesn’t float the boat of the Coronation Street residents, probably because they are all too rat-arsed from being in the pub all day every day.
13. Unrealistic parenting
Anyone who has ever met a Salford or Manchester mother knows that David Platt and Tracey Barlow would have been dead years ago.
The fact that neither has had so much as a swift blow to the head highly misrepresents the two cities – you simply wouldn’t dare to talk to your mother like that!
14. Business in a box
Not a single resident has discovered the immense healing, detox and dietary powers of Juice Plus or Forever Living.
Even more strange, there isn’t a Sharon trying to flog it to anyone after ‘it changed her life, enabling her to start her own business and earn her time back’.
You see Manchester is absolutely brimming to capacity with these future millionaires!
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