- Man flu – Like normal flu but potentially fatal if caught by males.
- Known cures – None. However it can be managed and treated with sympathy.
It’s safe to say I’m already thoroughly fed up with the change in temperature.
Just like clockwork, Man Flu has struck on the same week of the year yet again, I could literally smell death and I’m fairly sure I’ve never been closer to meeting Jesus before in my life.
As only men truly understand, Man Flu is single-handedly the most life threatening ailment Mother Nature can throw at us.
Non curable, whilst rendering us utterly useless, it is the ultimate scourge of the male species.
At present time my condition is considered by experts to still be critical, but stable.
If you’re a lady rolling your eyes reading this then let me assure you, your lack of sympathy is literally putting my life at risk.
If you’re a man reading this, know the struggle is real my brothers, wrap up warm, we’re heading into four months of extreme danger.
Notable requirements to tackle Man Flu
Sympathy is paramount in the battle against Man Flu, and, difficult as it is in your current predicament, you must source as much of it as physically possible if you have any hope of surviving.
Ignore any negativity suggesting you have a cold, only somebody who has never suffered such a debilitating, tragic loss of health could suggest such a thing.
You should list each and every one of your ailments brought on by this monster to absolutely everyone you come into contact with, this helps them gain a firm understanding of just how dreadful you feel and much how worse it is than anything they’ve ever had before.
You cannot afford to be left for prolonged periods of time unassisted, this could prove fatal.
Invest in a bell so you may notify your significant other the very moment you need something.
They say a request for something whilst in the midst of Man Flu must be delivered within a ten second safe zone, after that you are literally dicing with death.
And feckin’ lots of it, after all, it is literally the only thing you will be able to eat when that weird, needless, epiglottis, dangley thing starts to swell at the back of your throat.
Here is a shit hot Minestrone soup recipe that you can beg someone to make you.
Your significant other is going to need to recharge their batteries at some point, you’ll have much for them to do tomorrow and they need to be well rested to fulfil their obligations.
At this point you’re going to have to bring in some reinforcements.
Although I will lay no claim to Night Nurse making you feel better (it won’t, you’re on the brink here), it does help to knock you out, putting you out of your misery for a few hours at the very least.
I cannot stress how important it is to wear multiple layers of clothing and to only remove yourself from under a duvet in extreme circumstances.
You should not give into any accusations and protests that you’re milking it, you must conserve your strength to breath and allow your body to keep your vital organs operating.
I’ve gained camel like super powers where visiting the little boys room is concerned this past week and you will too soldier!
Go to your happy place
Personally my happy place lies in a galaxy far, far away, and I’ve binge watched Star Wars accordingly.
As this dose of Man Flu has persisted with it’s madness for almost 10 days, I’ve also rinsed my way through The Matrix trilogy and Killjoys on Netflix too!
When you are tackling a shit storm the ferocity of which has never been witnessed before, you have to make sure you’re kept as happy as possible, others will understand they have no say over the TV whatsoever until it is all over – they simply must, it’s for your own safety.
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